I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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