i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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