I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
