Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
