I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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