Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
