I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
