I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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