FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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