Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
