Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
