And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
