After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
