We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
do herpes really smell.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
