I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
