I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
