Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
