I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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