Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
