ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
