Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
