Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
