You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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