I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
