I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
