Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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