so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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