The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
