Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
