He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
