I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
