Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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