I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh god it's open bar.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
