hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
