Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
