I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
