i was born a porn star she said
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
