I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
