Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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