Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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