There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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