Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
