a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
