You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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