no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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