Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
