Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
