That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
