We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
