fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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