I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
